[The Wandering Inn has an AMA on r/progressionfantasy on the 26th! Be there, be square, or something!]
(An early AMA with The Wandering Inn’s guests above! pirateaba will be doing a longer one later. Transcript below.)
Erin: Um. Is this thing on?
Lyonette: It’s on, Erin. See? The rune’s glowing.
Erin: Oh! Right! Well, then. Um. H-hi?
Selys: Oh dead gods, I knew it was going to turn out like this.
Pisces: Was there ever a doubt?
Drassi: Ahem! Silence, please. Hello, everyone. This is your [Honest Reporter], Drassi, coming to you not-live with an exclusive, pre-recorded session for pirateaba’s AMA.
Relc: Wait, who’s that? We’re getting [Pirate] funding? I didn’t see any gold. You paid me in french fries—
Seborn: Did someone say [Pirates]?
Erin: Shush! No one’s getting paid!
Drassi: —Broadcast funded by Wistram News Network and Pallass.
Octavia: …And Octavia’s Stitchworks! Now having a 2-copper sale on all potions over one gold piece, up to a five potion limit. Visit us today and try our matches, Yellow Rivers mold, and—
Erin: Mrsha! Mrsha’s here too, but we’ll be reading her comments out loud. Be warned of spoilers if you’re not caught up!
Lyonette: Caught up with what, Erin?
Erin: The adventures of the [Dread Pirate] Aba! Isn’t that what this is all about? Wait, I thought that was a band from home. Anyways, we’ll be answering a few questions about ourselves too. Enjoy! Oh, and write all the questions we didn’t answer here on the AMA, July 26th! I’m so delighted to be here and do this!
Selys: Erin. How much gold did they pay you? Is that why I caught you bowling with cut diamonds yesterday?
Erin: Let’s begin!
Erin: This is Erin. Elliot asks…ahem. ‘To pirateaba: what are the big benefits of being anonymous?’ Added onto that, I guess, is PaleAwe asking—‘what pronouns should I use for pirateaba? I don’t like making assumptions.’ Huh. Sort of a tough question starting off. Who wants to take it?
Bird: I will! I am Bird. I know the answer. pirateaba is a silly person. I would know—they are hiding who they are. Being anonymous is like hiding under a Rock Crab’s shell. Only by hiding are you safe from monsters and people who wish to bother you.
Lyonette: Lyonette, here. Cleaning up your room is not a chore, Bird.
Bird: pirateaba is just a name. They are not bothered because they chose to be anonymous. ‘They’ is acceptable if you wish to use a pronoun. Who the [Author] is does not matter if the story is good. That is why they are anonymous.
Erin: Or they could be super-lazy and reclusive. Like, uh…who would fit that bill?
Ryoka: Ryoka Griffin. I know at least one salamander that fits the bill. Next question.
Erin: Question for Mrsha by Snakee! Who is your favorite guest? We’re going to get someone to read out her letter. We have a great [Narrator], Miss Andrea, to do it today!
Mrsha: Forsooth, it is I, Mrsha the great and powerful! I have many acquaintances. Some provide me with great bounties of food like Moore. Others are suitably entertaining like Relc. But if I had to name my most boon companion—
Lyonette: I don’t count, obviously. Neither would the inn’s family. So don’t worry if you don’t hear me in the first place. Ryoka doesn’t count either, or else she’d take 5th place.
Erin: Lyonette! Be nice!
Numbtongue: Oooh. Big insults.
Mrsha: Of—of course that’s my reasoning. Of the guests to the inn, my favorite person is…
Selys: Me, Selys! Her aunt!
Relc: Senior Guardsman Relc!
Ceria: What? I’m Ceria, your favorite half-Elf, Mrsha!
Moore: It’s not me, Mrsha?
Yvlon: Pisces? Pisces?
Ksmvr: Comrade Pisces, well done.
Mrsha: Pisces is my nemesis. He is a suitable opponent to duel over snacks with. Also, he is far more entertaining than the stiff, boring adults. Moore was close! But Pisces gets mad. One does not pull a chair out from Moore and survive being sat upon. However, Mister Sniffy is weak to pepper dust attacks! Alas, I have no more time for questions. Goodbye!
Lyonette: No dessert for Mrsha today—moving on. Ahem! This is for pir-rat-abba. And I believe we have the answer. Iam asks: Do you have any pre-writing rituals? For example, having one space in the house for writing, or wrist exercises.
Ceria: Let me try. Ceria here. It says…pirateaba’s hobbies vary over time. For instance, they played an hour of video…games. Whatever that is. Like cards? I guess, for an hour. Then it became two, then four. Then it was writing between video games. This is so relatable.
Yvlon: Yvlon here. I wouldn’t say that. It sounds…lazy.
Pisces: Weak moral fiber, the disintegration of civilization—then they moved into working the moment they woke. Run half a mile, drink coffee, write directly after breakfast. Now, just coffee, whereupon they ‘stream’ to provide themselves with ample motivation. Dear me. Another [Exhibitionist], deriving motivation from attention.
Erin: Um. Isn’t that just what adventurers are?
Pisces: How dare you.
Jelaqua: Hey, it’s Jelaqua. Totally correct. We’re all attention hogs. The point is—it’s all about getting to work. Some days are tough, but you’ve gotta get up and stomp on some mutant caterpillars and whatever helps you get there…that’s the ticket.
Ksmvr: I am Ksmvr. Thank you for your wisdom, Captain Jelaqua. Captain Ceria. We should procure some coffee.
Ceria: I have no idea what that is. Moving on!
Olesm: My turn. This is, uh, Strategist Olesm. Thoughts on doing a movie slash TV show, or anime? By Stephen.
Jasi: Did someone say TV show? The Players of Celum and Jasi would be delighted to—
Olesm: I believe the answer is, ‘it would be nice’. If anyone was interested and if a studio wanted to fund it and do it right, that would be wonderful. However, the best stories in the world are, um—only now being produced? This story this Dread Pirateaba is writing seems to be far too small at the moment.
Erin: Well, you never know, Olesm. Maybe someone cool will just like it.
Magnolia: Say, perhaps, House Reinhart? Or some equivalent. Magnolia Reinhart here. I would be delighted to back any product with potential, as would my counterparts in this ‘show’ industry, but the proof, as they say, is in the sugary pudding. Perhaps a hundred times more fans would be sufficient motivation…?
Erin: …Yeah. Okay, let’s say maybe in the future. Ressa, what do you think?
Ressa: You’ll be waiting a long time.
Erin: Such a downer. Okay, okay. Next…oh, this one’s for Seborn!
Pisces: Not me?
Erin: Seborn’s more popular.
Seborn: Do the Drowned Folk mimic whale songs for their music? By Justin. What kind of a question is…
Moore: Isn’t it thoughtful? Be nice, Seborn.
Seborn: …Do you mimic cows for your music? The answer’s no. Moving on.
Erin: Aw, come on. Whales are more intelligent than cows!
Seborn: It’s just not something I want to hear after sailing all day. Ooooh. Aaaawoo. We appreciate good music—although Drowned Ships are silent, so it’s a luxury. Just—not whales. That’s half-Elves or something.
Ceria: Hey! That—might be accurate. Some half-Elven music is meant to be played for hours. So yeah. We probably copy whales.
Ryoka: Ryoka here. What would Erin or Ryoka change about themselves if they could? By Zoji. Argh. That’s—one thing? Is it physical, mental? If I had the chance, maybe just replacing my fingers. Or changing my habit of getting into trouble, but is that changing me? I’d probably stick with physically fixing my fingers—I want to improve, but I want it to be my own doing, earned, does that make sense? If we’re talking about mistakes—
Erin: I wanna be taller.
Ryoka: …You’re tall enough, Erin.
Erin: Says you. You can reach things on high shelves. Me? Taller. No, wait. I also want the ability to cast super-magic. More of that than magic.
Ryoka: Come on, isn’t that a bit…
Erin: I want. To cast. Magic. It’s not a hard question for me. You can do both things.
Pisces: Reach tall places and cast magic? The bar, it seems, is low. Although, if we are suggesting qualities for Miss Ryoka to improve, perhaps her habit of running away?
Krshia: This is Krshia here. Perhaps all Humans can work on their bodily odors.
Erin: We don’t smell!
Lyonette: Mrsha says you do. And that Ryoka should be more cheerful. And nicer to people.
Ryoka: I only have one wish.
Bird: This is Bird! Erin should give you hers. You need it more.
Ryoka: I’m, uh…going to go now. This is all hypothetical. Next question.
Teriarch: It is I, Teriarch. Whom you do not know. Miss Griffin has invited me to take part in this…event. Much to my ‘delight’. Yes. Ahem. What is Teriarch’s favorite insult? Worm? Or something even better? The question is asked by a certain MrAlwaysRight. Their name, while arrogant, perhaps betrays some qualities of insight, because it is a suitable question to ask a Dr—personage of my history. It is my observation that the greatest insult is often the most topical one of the era. So—Creler-based analogies would be the contenders of the day. However—Worm? I…consider it average as insults go. It is somewhat similar to Wyrm, as in the cousins of Dragons, and I would not want to imply I consider being a Wyrm to be inferior or lesser—even if their qualities are lacking in many cases.
Ryoka: …It sounds like that’s exactly what you’re saying.
Teriarch: Not at all! Ahem. I would simply venture that my favorite insult happens to be a pejorative with many meanings. The use of ‘worm’ is completely coincidental. I am happy to specify ‘wretch’, ‘fool’, or other simple phrases. You see, those worthy of insult rarely have the scope to appreciate longer appellations. There’s also a certain need for economy of language in a high-stakes situation. In the past, I would utter such phrases as, ‘burn in torment, insect! I will sweep your ashes into the sea and—’
Klbkch: Excuse me. As Senior Guardsman Klbkch, I must protest. Insect is a pejorative term that refers to my people. Kindly desist.
Teriarch: No, this was about insects in a general sense—
Klbkch: Implying insects are below mammals? I see. Who are you, sir? Teriarch?
Teriarch: I—in my day, Antinium were not even in existence.
Relc: Wait, when was your day?
Teriarch: Ahem. I—I believe it’s time for the next question? Worm will do.
Bird: But worms are so nice. They are tasty for birds. Why are they bad? I am very much confused. You are not a nice old man.
Teriarch: Move on, please. Miss Griffin. Are you laughing at me?
Erin: Final question, since we don’t want to waste everyone’s time! Okay. For all the money. It’s…wait a second. Is this right?
Lyonette: Erin! We’re already over time. Let me see—oh my.
Drassi: I’ll do it. It’s—pfft! Okay. Okay. Drassi here. Final question. Uh—will Ksmvr, as a landed noble, ever become the Head of the Sixth Great Family of Izril? By Quinn!
Pisces: Is someone, ah, partaking in entertaining beverages?
Yvlon: Ksmvr? Do you have anything to add? The answer is no, from me, by the way.
Ksmvr: I have not considered starting my own great family of Izril. I was not aware one could apply for the position, and I am quite happy with my role as a member of the Horns of Hammerad. Pending my retirement, I may consider the role.
Magnolia Reinhart: Oh—consider the role. I am sure we will all vote you in, Lord Ksmvr.
Ksmvr: Thank you, Lady Reinhart. Well, this informs my decision. I also believe I must start a family? I must acquire children and a wife. Let me see. Mrsha, would you like to be employed as my child? As for a wife—
Octavia: …How much money would being the wife of one of the Five—Six Families cost?
Lyonette: Alright, this is ridiculous. Thank you for the questions, everyone. The…event is over. The quality of some of them we did not read—
Bird: I would like to also be a member of nobility. Then I would be allowed to hunt royal birds.
Relc: There are royal birds?
Bird: There are. Kingfishers, for instance. I have been hesitant to hunt them due to the perceived risks of toppling monarchies, but kings killing each other is a very established practice. Miss Lyonette, I have been thinking of marrying into Calanfer’s—
Lyonette: We are done!
Erin: Aw, come on, Lyonette. I think this is so much fun. Mrsha says, ‘thanks for listening’! And thanks to our [Narrator], Andrea, and, um—Numbtongue. Want to say anything?
Numbtongue: …Pay for a Goblin’s drink at the bar. They’re probably thirsty.
Drassi: And with that, we’re done. Thank you for the questions and post the rest on July 26th, in the AMA! Again, I have no idea what this was about, Erin, and I would like a cut of whatever you were paid. I’m a bit upset with you, actually. There’s selling out, and then there’s this trash. [Pirates]? No offense, Seborn, but we can really do better, and getting everyone here without even snacks or drinks for…